In the school of life, there's all kind of situations: surprise, disappointment, resentment, happy, sad, anger or gratification... You are supposed to learn something after each experience (avoid previous mistakes, or grasp a hold of the opportunities before they vanish...). It's amusing (no less embarrassing, and much more frustrating) that most of the times the same circumstances would sneak up, recur to me over and over again; and yet, I often manage to fail to acquire the lessons. I still don't get it.

We all were to be born, learn to talk then walk, go to kindergarten, elementary, middle and high school, then attend college (if you could), get a degree (that can make money), find a job or set up a business/career, get marry, buy a house, have children... only then are you considered an "accomplished" or mature adult human being.

Simpler scenario: Boy meet girl; boy like girl; boy ask girl out (got rejected many times, of course); girl (finally) agree to go out with boy; boy date girl;, boy treat girl to nice dinners and theaters; boy hold girl's hands; boy kiss girl (if he got lucky); boy propose; (if he got lucky again, or not) boy and girl live happily ever after...

People went online, chatted, participated in forums, arranged to meet, met others, either became friends or else... and go on with their "real" lives. They do not lurk around a virtual forum (or website) 24/7 year after year with no intention to "hook up", proclaiming nonsense promises, waiting for people that probably had moved on to different/better things or places and mostly will never come back--expecting some sort of "miracle" which hardly could come true.

No one wants to or should stay in college forever. No one wants to "chase after" or hang around a girl for half a decade without bother to ask her out, not even try to hold her hands... But that's exactly the kind of "cycle of live" that had recurred to me countless number of times, and I still fail to comprehend its essence. I could never learn.

Let's see what had happened:

- I cajoled and begged people to group together to form VYF (around June 2000).

- Thing was going quite well, except for a few setbacks (disagreements, criticisms or quarrels) we were on our way to become a viable/populated forum. All of a sudden, I decided that we need to take a break, and asked everyone to take a leave and join other forums that may suit their interest better (around ... 2000).

- VYF was revived, some core members came back again, and we were going to rebuild it (to its potential glory). Then, again, I abandoned the group, citing personal difficulties among other things, and unilaterally "shut VYF down" the second time (around ... 2001).

- Out of nowhere, I reappeared, announcing that VYF is ready to be back online again, hosting ourselves with our own server (around ... 2002).

- During the same period I also declared that our news bulletin/letter is also ready to be published (around ... 2002).

- Disappeared again without any explanation, then I reemerged one more time (in dactrung.com and other forums, around ... 2003) promising VYF will "live on", and will reopen "anytime now".

- Still with nothing to show for, without any "result", I kept repeating the promises (declarations) to the people around me in real life, as well as to those in virtual world, that VYF is for real, and we will prevail, not to mention "threatening" that we'll come back stronger than ever (other forums) with our own server and printed version, Viet Herald (around ... 2002).

- By this time, I had exhausted everyone's patience or trust. I'd drained the last drop of whatever faith they had left for me. So I gave it the last run, announcing again that everything is ready and WILL be published or launched VERY SOON. This is at the beginning of 2005. And it's the end of September, 2005 already. It's officially fall, today.

I don't blame them if they'll just turn their back on me, walk away, and never bother to look back. The best I can do right now is "writing" this series, to explain what had happened, to show people who I am, what I was trying to accomplish, and what I am capable of (writing).

After that, I'll just have to go on and continue with what I've been doing. The rest, as some might say "is up to GOD". Or in this case, it's up to people to decide if they want to join me in my journey, or leave me with my own broken and lost dream.

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http://vietyouth.net/Forums/viewtopic.php?t=938

It started when I bought my first computer six years ago. As "directed" by the salesperson, "that's the most popular vietnamese web site", I logged onto vietchat.com. Except for the first time, which ended up branding me the nik Lựu Đạn, I almost never chat.

The only forum I really participated in was General Discussion. Those were the good old days. So many topics and replies. So many interesting participants, passionate souls, enthusiastic youths, and talented writers...

I could see a great future to it. A means for people (us viets in particular) from all over to gather, share information, discuss issues, learn new things, broarden our horizons.

But most importantly, as a collective effort, to search for and compromise on certain common denominator among ourselves which, hopefully, will lead to some mutual understandings, agreements, or resolutions--BRING ABOUT CHANGES that can help settle parts of the grandier problems of our generation, where an individual--no matter how great or genius a person, even a "vĩ nhân"-- could never have solved if he or she were to struggle alone trying.

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http://vietyouth.net/Forums/viewtopic.php?t=938

During the first few months, except for the must-go daily personal sanitary breaks, I virtually glued myself to the keyboard in front of the screen, hoovering in cyberspace 24/7 participated in almost any topic that caught my attention (at the price of loosing the only job I've got for a long time). Lựu Đạn, undeniably, became a regular fixture in General Discussion Forum at VietChat.

I guess people could feel the passion in me. Not quite sure if most would agree with me, or if they would ever allow or encourage their friends, much less family members, to become "like me". Someone must have sensed that I am a passionate freak, wielding a strong conviction that's just waiting to burst out from within--a dreamer, but not ashamed of it, and more than willing to go out of my way to try to convert others to dream the impossible as well.

So, when vietmedia bought out vietchat, I had the feeling that this is not just a simple business "investment". I suspected that if it's not a "hostile take-over(?)" then it's probably a way for "someone" to get rid of a potential problem before it hatch, put out the fire when it just barely ignited. I predicted that it's not in vietmedia's interest to build or expand "our forum" (VCF) into a respectable, popular and legitimate "media" which would have an impact on the mass, capable of altering or affecting our lives, our community and people; but they rather would just allow it to idle and deteriorated into shamble and disgrace (which turned out to be true now, five years later).

It was just a hunch. But I proposed that we should gather at some place else, and try to build another "ideal forum for the people", just in case.

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http://vietyouth.net/Forums/viewtopic.php?t=938

In early June of 2000, after Viet Chat was taken over by vietmedia.com, we temporarily formed Viet Youth Forums at EZ Board (Just because I didn't know any better. At the time, that's the only free site I knew which provided "free forum"). We had a run at it for a few months. It was great fun. Most everyone I knew, liked, respected, or asked to join did stop by.

Then, as in any marriage or relationship, the honeymoon period only lasted so long. Growing too fast for our own good, our little free board and its policy became inadequate, our moderators were not prepared for the task at hands. We started to disagree, complain, argue, even fight. There were nitpickings, harrassments and personal-attacks.

While handling those differences, the interigrity of VYF (our actions or decisions) was questioned. As in most cases, we couldn't please all the members all the times. Each mistake we made became more and more intolerable. The friendly disapprovals became harsher criticisms...

Slowly, we broke into fractions. Members gradually were forming "bands", different groups of friends, different "schools of thought". The issues of "power" (who's the boss?), "contribution" (who started/contributed what?), or "reward" (what's in it for me?) were brought up--inadvertantly, calculatedly, directly or indirectly.

Then, inevitably, some began to wonder why are we "here"? I only explained and discussed in depth with a few core members regarding what I was trying to do, what VYF is about. They kept asking if it's necessary, if it's feasible, if I can do it... Maybe the condition was not ripped/right for us, maybe we didn't understand one another, maybe each of us was following our own calling/way, some of them had more doubt than faith in VYF, helping to bring it down more than building it up. Eventually, a few called it quit, and "walked".

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http://vietyouth.net/Forums/viewtopic.php?t=938

How can I ever forget the time and effort, the care and support each of us vested into (our beloved) VYF. I wasn't the only one who spent hours and hours each day working on our little forum, sharing with one another our thoughts, joy, concern and worries...

Knowing that I am a bum without a job to support myself, having the technical wizardry of a neandrethal, nothing but a big dream (or mouth) and a hard (also big) head to plow forward, some suggested that we make it a group project to build "our forums" (VYF)--where everyone can either contribute their time, expertise or financial support, whichever works for each member.

Obviously, they were just trying to support me financially in a discreet way, I kindly (stupidly to be exact) turned them down, insisted that VYF only needs their technical support (coding, moderating...) and participation (spiritual support)--and I'll shoulder the cost (the board was free at the time).

When I finally came to the conclusion that VYF should take sometime off, and encouraged members to participate in other forums that might be more suited to their needs and interest until we're ready to "regroup in the near furure", a lot of people must have been hurt and disappointed--especially, the most enthusiastic "believers" and supporters. Maybe they thought they've reached out to something that was never there--placed their trust in "a leader" who never exist--just a wishful illusion.

The rest, of course, just "packed up" and left. It was no big surprise to them, "another viet forum went busted!". Life goes on; time to move on.

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It used to amaze me that most of the people that gave VYF any chance after the shut down--still have any "faith" in us--were girls. The ratio is like ten to one, if not 100 to 01.

Is it Arnold Schwarzenegger or George Bush that you men were looking for in a leader? Does he have to be strong, tough, determined... and successful?

But I'm no learder. Never intended to "lead". Couldn't do it even if asked. I am no preacher either, though been trying to live according to my belief since someone once challenged me to "live as you preach". Just have this boiling "belief"/idea in me that I wanted to share. That's all.

Think of it as Karl Rove to George Bush, Jim Morrison to Bill Clinton (not the "persons", mind you), Nguyễn Trãi to Lê Lợi, R & D to manufacturers (not that my ideas and I will ever be that good or useful, just the concept)... people that may have a lot of "bright ideas" but wouldn't know what to do with them (how to impliment or materialize them wisely and effectively) without a true, capable leader(s) (endorsers) who can use them--both, (manage) the person(s) and (execute) the ideas.

Is it because there are so many of those (little) guys out there that are just full of envy and jealousy, who couldn't stand to see another guy pulling ahead--succeed where they fail--hence the sabotage, jeering, sneering, and boycotting?

Nah! I think it's just "the guy thing". We men just practically have no patience/tolerence for letdowns or nonsenses. I'd give a guy a pass or two, maybe three, but if he kept dropping the ball, falling flat on his face without showing me the will to bounce right up and chase after it again, I'll probably just write him off. "Go find yourself another sport, looser, stop wasting my time!".

Yup! Women (with their "natural-born" motherly unconditional love) would more likely to have the heart (or soul) that can overlook our short comings, the (so-called) intuition that could sense/seek out our talent/virtue (regardless how inadequate and imperfect) to keep handing us back the ball and encourage us to try again, notwithstanding how hopeless a weakling we are. Patience. Caring. Forgiving. Loving.

From the start, it was always the girls that lended me support and encouragement. It was the girls that made VYF happen. It's them who kept coming back again and again, after all those broken promises. Everytime I asked, it's the girls who would forgive (and forget) and willing to give it another try. Some of them were just high school students when we first knew each other. They were really "youth" with all their innocence and enthusiasm to learn, share or help.

They must all have grown up now. Some are on their ways to earn postgraduate degrees, getting married, buying houses, bearing or rearing their offspring... I wonder what they would think of me now. Disappointment? Pity? Nothing? Sympathy? Rage?

They never cease to amaze me. The last time I asked, a few months ago to be exact, some of them did answer my call, and were ready to "come back" with the same caring/enthusiastic attitude that were they. It broke my heart overhearing (tom-peeking) their "conversation" regarding me and VYF in another forum (after being asked to "come back"). Still addressed me by name (K), still recalled "the good old days"... That was the reason I'm writing right now. I owe them that much.

Someone chose this quotation as his/her signature: Speak to an unworthy/uninterested listener you'll waste your time. Not speaking to a willing listener, you'll lose him/her (as a friend). I could never tell if it's the right moment to speak (when someone were anxious and willing to hear from me), or whom not to waste my time upon (I kept "preaching" to people who probably have no interest at all in what I had to say or tried to do).

I don't care about the time past. I had plenty of time which I was willing and could afford to waste. I just hope I did not lose all the people who once were willing to hear "my case", willing to lend support, willing to believe, having the same goal and dream as mine--the worthy ones, the "true friends". My timing is always off. But I sincerely hope those "willing listener/participants" can/will still able to hear me now.

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http://vietyouth.net/Forums/viewtopic.php?t=938

Before closing down VYF (the first time), I did state the reasons why I think we should take a break and wait for the right moment to relaunch or rebuild our forums/website. Though I'm sure most probably had doubts about my sincerity. Some must have thought I was being emotional and reacted hastily out of frustration or rage.

There's no denies that I did mess up one way or the other, causing VYF to disintegrate. However, aside from pointing out my flaws, weakness, naiveté, lack of experience, and our differences... I also would like to revisit my explanation for closing down VYF at the time. Not to dig up old dirt, but I just want to show why we would still be able to work together and should try to accomplish what "we set out to do".

I'd like to establish that the "shutdown" was by no means an indication/proof of my weakness--character or personality. I was not just a hot-headed quitter who couldn't handle the heat or control his temper. I think I rather acted correspondingly with what I'd anticipated earlier. I stuck to my plan, let thing(s) run its course and waited for time to reveal the truth (others' motives) and its true "color" (our correct/incorrectness). I might have "lost" a battle (retreated), but I can still very much win the war.

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http://vietyouth.net/Forums/viewtopic.php?t=938

Let's take a closer look at our goal, or at least mine:

My goal was:

... to create a popular forum, a means for people (Vietnamese youth, in particular, from all over the world) to gather, share information, discuss issues, learn new things, and broarden our horizons/perspectives--but most importantly, a means for us to launch a collective effort to search for or compromise on certain common denominators among ourselves which, hopefully, will lead to some mutual understandings, agreements or resolutions----bring about changes that can help settle some of the issues that had beleaguered our people for generations, resolve problems that an individual (no matter how great or genius a person, even a "vĩ nhân") could never have solved if he or she were to struggle alone trying.

... to expand VYF into a respectable, popular and legitimate "media" which would have an impact on the mass, capable of altering or affecting our lives, our community and people...

I understand that not everyone has the same goal as mine. That was not the sole/same reason people gathered and formed VYF. I never had any illussion about that. However, I did not devote my time and effort, sacrificed a part of my personal life "just to have fun with friends". I have my reason, a strong conviction, to create VYF--to accomplish something. My long-term plan is to achieve that goal, no matter how long and difficult that will take. Everything else was just side-track, secondary and expendible.

Five years had past since then, I'd like to revisit the differences between some of us and show why it was understandable/acceptable for me to walk away from VYF (and still be able to continue on with my work, trying to attain "my goal"). Mean while, others may had different reasons/agendas joining VYF. For some of them, belonging or participating in a popular, fun and friendly (non-hostile) forums is the end (their goal) rather than just a means.

Hence, sadly but fortunately, I can now confidently proclaim that it might be a good thing that we went our seperate ways before involved any deeper in the process--working together on the same project for so long, only to find out that we were not heading toward the same direction.

What was NOT my goal:

1- I didn't join or help create VYF to be loved:

It's not really important to me that people would like me or agree with what I have to say. It's never my intention to find out what people want, to please them or cater to their needs.

2- I didn't join or help create VYF to make money:

It doesn't matter to me if the website/forums will make money. It was never my intention to draw in the customers/visitors/crowd as many as we could (at any cost). As explained, for the long-term effect/plan, I rather maintain our integrity, stick to my/our policy/principle than go with the flow, selling ut to people's demand.

3- I didn't join or help create VYF just to make "friends":

I must have declared that many times. I just wanted to clarify my goal. I was not interested in maiking friends, and was in no mood or condition for any kind of relationship.

4- I didn't join or help create VYF just to be popular or powerful:

As mentioned earlier, our policy did have a lot of flaws. We were new at it and didn't know what to expect. So, we were playing by ears, learning and improvising as we went along. Of course, that left a lot of room for mistakes (which we were willing to correct) and/or criticisms.

5- I didn't join or help create VYF to just support "VNCH" or denounce "CSVN":

Though Lựu Đạn came across to some as a passionate "anti-communist" member, which gained me a lot of support or "admiration", it was never my intention to create VYF to try only to "revive" (in spirit or else) the former Republic of South Vietnam or to glorify its government/army and their members (past, present or future). It was not my sole intention to keep pounding on the current government of VN pointlessly or aimlessly without any merit (for their past or present mistakes) either. I care about the truth and the future of Vietnam (the well-being of her people) more than the empty and pointless rhetoric war or game (exchanges) between the two pollarized (fanatic) groups which obviously would lead to nowhere and benefit noone, except maybe dillusional satisfaction for some and cruel or misguided pleasure for others (jokers).

6- I didn't join or help create VYF to stay away from "troubles", hassles or "controversies":

Stupidly, I never back down from anybody or anything (hardship). That got me into a lot of troubles; and I paid dearly for my stubbornness. Not very proud of it, but that was part of the reason why I thought I was the right person for the "job". I've seen a lot of talented and capable young people who somehow can't get (lead us) to where they (we) need to go because they're just too "nice". They are law-abiding and "tradition-abiding" to a fault. They could not jump the hurdle or break the barrier. They have too much respect, even for people or things that were "wrong" or "in the way" which could hinder their (our) advancement.

I volunteered myself for the job. I was going to appoint myself "the wrecking ball", the bulldozer, which will knock down the old buildings, move away the mounds of dirt that stand in our way. I wasn't going to shy away from anybody or anything...

7- I didn't join or help create VYF just to build a place for "friends" to hang out and "have a good time":

Just as explained previously, I wasn't interested in "making friend" or having any kind of relationship. It's not my top priority to keep my tight-knit group of "friends" happy and content while sacrificing VYF's integrity or credibility.

8- I didn't join or help create VYF to just study, preserve and promote (only) Vietnamese culture or history:

Noble an idea as it might be, it was never my sole intention to preserve only Vietnamese literature (collect and archive Viet poems, short stories, novels, writings...). Not because I didn't care; I just think that's a misuse of energy and talent, not to mention the legality involved. The way I look at it, there are more than eighty millions people in Vietnam, who would be more than willing to do the same thing (typing up posts, collect and archive literature works) for much less (their income is about 1/100th to that of the Viets overseas). And they can do a much better job, too. They speak and write Vietnamese as their primary (or only) language; they may have a deeper understanding and knowledge regarding Vietnamese Literature. So why try to "compete" with them, instead of outsourcing to them the work? If we all care so much, why don't we just create a fund to pay people in VN to do it for us. That was my philosophy.

Moreover, I thought we're about engaging people (especially the vietnamese youth around the world); we're about sharing our ideas; we're about showcasing our success, struggle, or tragedies; we're about finding answers or solutions among ourselves (by means of compromising). I thought we want to BRING ABOUT CHANGES, HAVE AN IMPACT ON SOCIETY OR OUR COMMUNITY. We are for a brighter future, live dialouges, engagement, and inclusion. We are not about the past, written/classical literature, or exclusion.

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What happened:

Coming from different backgrounds, having different agendas and beliefs, we all have different reason to be at VYF, conducted acordingly to our own "unique" way. Eventually, we began to disagree, complain, argue, sometimes even fight. There were nitpickings, harrassments and personal-attacks. Some openly questioned or accused if "I" had teken all the credit (grappling power as an Admin) away from veryone else who helped made VYF what it is.

Revisiting the differences and circumstances before the break-down, I'd like to show that I'd anticipated the possibility and had attempted to explain the situations to our members.

Clashes that arised because of our diferent agendas and goals:

- As stated earlier, "It's not really important to me that people like me or agree with what I have to say. It's never my intention to find out what people want, to please them or cater to their needs." Because I believe we should not take things personal. IT'S TRUTH THAT WE ARE AFTER. IT'S JUST THAT WE PURSUIT. HUMANITY (HUMILITY) THAT WE BELIEVE IN. We should not bend, or compromise truth, for the sake of friendship or personal bias (bè phái, favoritism).

Stand by those principles, I never want to get "too close" to anyone, be "intimate" with anybody or belong to any group. I always keep my distance, appearing cold, indifferent, even "stuck-up" at times. I also asked others to "please do not take things personal or take sides". Not everyone agreed with me on this. A few must have felt I was not an ideal host, someone who can please the crowd and help build up the forum.

- Some actually followed me to VYF believing that I am a hard-core anti-communist "fighter". They must have thought that I was a turned-coat, a sell-out, that I had somehow betrayed them--because I would not go along with their "righteousness"/principle: tolerating only their arguments/abuse/attack and allowing only one side of the truth to exist in VYF (VNCH always good, CSVN always bad).

There were also different groups of friends with different interest and "preference", who tended to "support" each other at the cost of ignoring people that didn't belong to their group, "jumping" (harrassement, personal attack) others who had either offended or "attacked" one of their friends. Then, there were individuals that had "special interest" in some members of the opposite sex, which created a little "situation" for those involved--sometimes even escalated into ugly commotions if set off by certain unwanted condition or catalyst. These were all very personal or bias, totally against my principles. A rift may started from there.

- The Internet is a great way for people to get to know one another, become friends, hook up, and sometimes get to be more than just a friend. I did try to contact many. But that was one way for me to get to know our members better. I never actually wanted to "be "friend" with anybody. I announce so, repeatedly, in VYF. That didn't go well with some. Either they thought I was lying, being arrogant, a show-off; or that "principle" of mine somehow offended/annoyed them greatly. The "relationship" between me and them turned sour a little.

- At that time, the dot-com boom was at its peak. I heard Viet Chat was sold for a profit. Some of us must have thought about the prospect of "making it... big". Some even began to question whose contribution is more important than whom...

It's understandable. It's natural that we should expect something in return for our effort/contribution. That's what turn the world around, driven people to excel and work harder. I was too idealistic at the time. It bothered me that people already bickered about their roles. However, I did try to figure out a way to "delegate", "reward" or assign their share of power. Not everyone was "in it for the money" (or power). That's why some were offended at my attempt to "bribe" them into helping. They wanted nothing in return; they just want to "bring about the changes" I passionately advocated, simply just want to help. That was another dilema.

- It was unclear to me then who's who and why they're "with us". To most, VYF was just a forum for them to gather, relax and hang out with friends. They don't want any trouble. They don't want to complicate their lives any more than needed be. But as explained, it wasn't that simple for me. I was hoping we can BRING ABOUT CHANGES, HAVE AN IMPACT on society or our community. It might never come true; I might never succeed. But I still have to look out for the possiblities of being "sabotaged" by "people" that may not like what I was trying to do. I could not just trust anybody (to include them into my plan). That's our main difference. "Five years" is the price I was willing to pay to find out "who's who". I did tell at least one member that "I'll probably give it four, five years trying...", and to some "...just wait. For the right moment and for people to show their true colors..."

- I was quite involved with the process of composing, modifying, and enforcing our policy. Eventhough it was not my intention to be a "big-shot", that might have evoke some annoyance, envy, even jealousy from some members. I was never a diplomat, who would be flexible enough to try to deflect hostility or explain away aggression to get out of "a situation". Some had offered to handle the situations if I would just chill and "stay away" (and I'm sure they were much more capable, and would have solved our problems). However, it's "against my principles" to do that. I'd rather naively and foolishly face anger with anger (as long as we're speaking TRUTH); I bluntly brushed away what I would consider "nonsense" harshly or abruptly without even consider how others must have felt. That wasn't so good. That gained me more "enemies" than friends.

- To BRING ABOUT CHANGES (demolishing obstructions), I was going to appoint myself "the wrecking ball", the bulldozer, which will knock down the old buildings, move away the mounds of dirt that stand in our way. I wasn't going to shy away from anybody or anything... But then, many wanted me to be nice like them also. Being the "demolition guy" made me a "bad person". We lost even more supporters after that.

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http://vietyouth.net/Forums/viewtopic.php?t=938

What Were We Thinking?

Maybe I was naive, maybe I was just ignorant, but I didn't know there were other "kinds of people" online besides "the goods, the bads, and the uglies" (We, the goods; corruption/suppression/unjustice/ignorance, our enemies, the bads; and the misguided "netters"/hackers/jokers who don't have a clue what's going on but just wanna mess people up as their way to have fun), the uglies.

It was very clear to me how I would deal with each. Be true, kind, supportive and helpful to our friends or the "needies"; be strong, smart, unyielding, and uncompromise with the "enemies"; be undretsanding and forgiving toward the "misguided"--allow them to be a better person to their potential, ask them to either join us or (please) leave us alone.

After these few years away from VYF, I have realized that there are all kinds of people in Cyberspace.

There are people that knew exactly what we were trying to do, even tried to do the same thing themselves. But they couldn't bear to see others succeed. It's either them who do it, or noone else. They'd tear us apart just for that reason. Establishments never like CHANGES.

There are those who use Internet as away to vent their frustration, to poke fun at others, to "play" people, to make them feel better, to kill time. To them, it's challenging, amusing and entertaining. Taking on multiple nick-names, they enjoy seeing others "suffer", thinking that they're smart, blessed with a special "talent".

There are also those who use Internet just to "hoook up". With these people, their "target" meant everything to them. They'd do anything to please those they're interested in. They were just using VYF to woo their women or men. The forums they participate with are expendible. They don't care how much chaos or damage they'll cause, as long as they get the attention or approval of the person(s) they're after.

There are those who just wanted to be "popular", to be in control. These people aren't misguided. They are, most of the times, "well-to-do" working adults who either have a business/career or holding respectable jobs, who know what they were doing. They really want to "prove themselves" online. It's more than just a game to them, more like a contest. They take great pride in "winning". Maybe they think that being "out-done" by others is shameful or weak. It's very important to them that they be "the center of attention" where-ever they participate.

I used to think that only "has-been people" would have the urge to form their own organizations, to relive the "glory" of their past (or dillusional reality). But I was wrong; it's universal and perpetual. That's why many people rather have their own group (forums) where they can praise one another, feeling good about themselves (without facing much critical truth), be "popular" and have "power". Eventhough that would "accomplish" absolutely nothing... significant.

I was worried about the long-term planning more, trying to figure out how to lay a foundation, a policy ("constitution" of sort) that would be practical, functional, reasonable and just--which would attract more participants and supporters--and hopefully, will guarantee the success of our forums. I was just as occupied with the possibilities of loosing our data either from random attacks, "targeted sabotage", or freak accidents.

A number of our memebers might have thought I am just a mental-case, a paranoia maniac, when I kept questioning or alerting people about the possibility of VYF being hacked or sabotaged. I did become aware that it was just a lot of over-cautious on my part. However, I still chose to go with the policy "better be safe than sorry" (better being labeled a nut than actually having to go nut). All the while, there were a few who just wanted to maneuver themselves to look more "desirable" and acceptable to the crowd. That was fine by me if they just want to be accepted. Unfortunately, I think some actually tried to undermine our reputation/authority as well, in order to gain popularity.

Some thought I'm a banana. One who'd gone americanized, loved English more than his mother tounge. Disagree all they want, I still think there's a place for Vietnamese speaking or writing--but not in VYF (written arguments, worldwide audience). To achieve our goal, I think it's still more practical and effective to choose English as the "official language". As explained above, I did not devote all my time and effort to create a "library" or "preservation center" (an archive) ONLY to preserve Vietnamese Literature (though I championed and advocated the idea of having such institutions myself). Because I think people in VN could do a better job at a much lower cost (and they really need the jobs).

Moreover, I thought we're about engaging people (especially the vietnamese youth around the world); we're about sharing our ideas; we're about showcasing our success, struggle, or tragedies; we're about finding answers or solutions among ourselves (by means of compromising). I thought we want to BRING ABOUT CHANGES, HAVE AN IMPACT ON SOCIETY OR OUR COMMUNITY. We are for a brighter future, live dialouges, engagement, and inclusion. We are not about the past, written/classical literature, or exclusion.

Nevertheless, that was not my main concern. My major fear was the integrity of our data. Those (forumists) who'd participated in forums long enough must have experienced losing some of their posts sometimes, or must have heard of stories about some unfortunate forums that were either hacked or crashed and lost all their data (archives, postings).

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http://vietyouth.net/Forums/viewtopic.php?t=938

It's wise for a "real website or forum" to have a legitimate backup system (personnel, software and hardware).

At that time, VYF was being hosted by EZ Board for free. We did not have any access to our database, or anyway to back it up. I tried very hard to contact its owner and administrators to plead for them to either allow us direct GCI-bin access, or any other means for us to backup our data--in vain, even with offer to pay. I had to save our data manually as HTML pages, and had to ask some others help me doing the same.

In the first month, we had about a hundred members registered, at least a hundred posts (writings, essays, or poems) a day. And we'd just started out within a small group of online-friends, without mass-media advertisement. It crinched me to think how impossible a task it must be in the future to guard or bachup our data, without direct access to the database/server--after VYF matured and became successful.

The main reasons I thought we need to take a break:

- I thought we should wait until there is an option/opportunity that can better guarantee the integrity or safe-keeping of our data and the success of VYF (better host, our own server). Moreover, I was not ready for the task (financially, technically, or mentally).

- I also thought it was an opportunity for those of us who do not have the same goal to go our seperate ways, form our own groups, join other forums that suit our interest better. Let time give us the answer: Which approach is more effective; what direction we should follow.

- At that time, someone was offering me "partnership" in a business venture. As mentioned earlier, I was a bum, totally broke, incapable of taking care of myself financially, let alone supporting a website or forum. So, it's as good a time as any to take that offer, earn myself a living first.

- I also didn't want to take credit of all others. Therefore, I thought maybe we should rebuild a new VYF wih only people that have the same goal and belief as ours and still have faith in us.

What happened during the past five years?
...

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http://vietyouth.net/Forums/viewtopic.php?t=938

I realized now how much it costs to "run" a website or forum, how sophisticated the programing must be and how much work it requires to manage and run the web site (set up & submit forms, store and backup data...). I definitely would not attempt to shoulder the burden alone any more. I'll be more than happy to work with others to make this "a collective effort". Set up a "system" where everyone can be a part of VYF, contributing or helping accordingly to their means and capability.

I would be much more humble trying to muster more support from others. I will try to get rid of that "I-don't-care-what-y'al-think" attitude. I wouldn't be so rigid, "standing by my principles". And I would try to be more flexible, open to critcisms or different approaches, willing to compromise to get to where we all need or want to be...

Hopefully, people would understand what we are about, empathize with us and our policy. No one will have to walk away everytime there is a disagreement or quarrel. We'll all play by the rule, our rules, our policy. No hard feelings. No apologies needed. IT'S TRUTH THAT WE ARE AFTER. IT'S JUST THAT WE PURSUIT. HUMANITY (HUMILITY) THAT WE BELIEVE IN.

I'll try to be as friendly and accommodating to our guests as we can. But then again, we're all here for a purpose. We shouldn't take anything personal.

We should be able to sort out our differences, criticize the "establishments", our governments or public serveants, just so long as we do it out of good faith (to be constructive, searching for solutions), and express ourselves professionally and civilly. Absolutely no personal attack, under any disguise, is allowed.

We should still be able to make friends through VYF. However, there will be designated forums and services to accommodate that needs. While participating in other forums, please keep it as non-personal as possible. As if you're with Oprah, the Qs & As, exchanges between host and guests, are intended to broadcast to the mass audience. Personal dialouges between friends should be PMed privately, not be posted in VYF.

We should set up a "trust fund", with board of trustees who would be able to handle the financial aspect of VYF "professionally". I would recommand that we have a system to "assign share" to each members accordingly (as in an incorporated). If we ever become successful and generate any profit, those who do not wish to take the money can choose to donate it to the charity of their choice. Still, it makes sense that we should recognize the effort or contribution of our members.

Please be patient. Nothing personal, but we'll be very cautious regarding who can be made moderators or administrators, or given access to our database. This maybe over-reacting, even paranoia. But we'll stick to this policy, just the same. Thank you for your understanding.

I will not be in anyone's way for as long as I can afford to stay away. Hopefully, with a clear and reasonable policy, we can regulate ourselves and get along just fine, without my interference.

I will play by the rules just like everyone else. There'll be no needs to try to be anything, wrecking-ball or bulldozer. Nobody has to be "the bad guy".

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During and after VYF was launched, people kept hearing me promising to publish this news paper. Why was it such an obssession for me to put out a "news paper"? Will I ever manage to materialize the "ambition"? Will people embrace it (the cause)? Do I have what it take? Will it (whatever that I could scramble to publish) do anybody any good, or ever become anything significant?

Let's see what all the fuss is about, through an article I wrote about Chai Vang, a hunter who was accused and convicted of killing six other hunters in Minesota last November. Of course this cannot explain or state all my reasons or motives which had driven me to want to publish Viet Herald. But I hope it will shed some light on my agenda.

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Chapter XII: Why Insisted "News Paper Will Be Published"?

Chai Vang, reportedly by national vanguard.org as the son of general Vang Pao, was convicted yesterday of all counts on the six murder charges he faced. More details.

I am not here to justify or condone the killings--murder or otherwise. However, I've been following this story since it first broke. And if you read the news, you'd think he's a Hmong immrigrant who just obtained a visa to work in this country driving trucks, got lost and tresspassed into a patch of private land while deer hunting. During the dispute after being confronted by the land owner(s), he'd gone mad and coldbloodedly slaughtered six local hunters--shooting four in the back, one young man, one young woman--wounding two others.

There're always two sides of a coin, more than one versions of "the story". But it's not my intention to either defend or condemn the killer. I sincerely hope the jury--our fellow citizens in Hayward, Minesota--did they job, and justice has been served. Though not perfect, our judicial system, I believe, is still one of the best mankind ever had.

The thing that concerns me the most, from the begining--enough to convinced me to quit my "job" and reconsider the idea of publishing a "news paper" that could represent us more accurately or fairly and would cover issues which are more relevant to our needs and inetrests--was how the main stream media covered the case and how they portraited Chai Vang.

Like it or not, I happen to share a few traits similar to that of Chai Vang. We both are southeast asian. I'm Vietnamese; Vang is Hmong (Laotian). We both came to the U.S. in 1980 as refugees when we were teenagers. I came to California in April, 1980; Vang came to Minesota in June, 1980. I was a boat people, spent a year on an Indonesia island; Vang spent five years at a Thai refugee camp. We both reside in California for many years. I've been here since 1980; Vang moved here 1985 and back to Minesota in 2000. We are both naturalized american. I was sworn-in in 1985; Vang became naturalized in...

However, I never served in the army, or coast guard, or the reserve. But Vang has. He attended Military Cadet Academy when in high school, served six years in the California National Guard (1989-1995), has a marksman badge, earned some medal for good conduct. He's a veteran. He's younger than me. In a way, I think he is more americanized than I am.

In this time of needs (Iraq War, disaster reliefs), one would think being a veteran would mean something. If not being considered a "hero", a role model, at least the veterans, which Chai Vang is one, deserve our gratuity or appreciation for their service. Not to mention that his father is Vang Pao, a general in Lao, former ally with the U.S. military during the Vietnam War (if that info is true).

My point? I still speak with an accent; my appetise is still very ethnic; my taste of fashion, music or entertainment are still different than those younger than me (second generation immigrant). I am culturally inept, still an FOB after growing up and living here for more than 20 years. I couldn't help it.

If the media can present Chai Vang in such a light (a Hmong, immigrant, refugee... rarely ever a veteran, an american or truck driver) then I guess there's no way the mainstream pundits, major networks or media would consider me an "american" if I ever got into trouble with another "true american"--the red blooded white folks. And I thought I'm legally american.

To them I am still just another refugee from a war-torn backward water-hole somewhere in South East Asia, who was lucky enough to be allowed to migrate into this paradise on earth--the U.S. of A.

Think you can fair better?

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